P.S. These things piss me off

[When blog posts aren't in the form of letters, I'll title them "P.S."]

1. Friends who don't really listen.

You know, the friends that are really fun to be around and are great at parties, but you would never dream of telling your problems to because they're so wrapped up in their own life, or don't seem to really care about being a good friend. I have a lot of friends like that. That's not friendship, my dears. Not friendship at all.

2. Guys (and people generally) who don't say what they're thinking.

We all love a bit of mystery, but seriously, I'm not Mystic Meg's long lost son. I cannot read your mind. I'm not going to automatically assume you like me, or want to spend time with me, if you don't say it every now and again. I'm not insecure, I just want some reassurance every once in a while - and I'm quite freaked out that there are people who DON'T need reassuring. They're just weird.

3. People who ask me stupid questions about being gay.

Google is your friend, people! If you've been living in a cave, there are many resources that can educate you. I'll answer you if you ask me a question that makes sense, but don't ask me something like "do you put that voice on?". Of course I don't, it's my voice. Also, don't ask me "Do you really not fancy girls at all?". No, I don't. That's a pretty big part of being gay, the whole "being sexually attracted only to the same sex" thing. Just to clarify: Yes, I have gay sex. Yes, my family are okay with it. No, it wasn't a choice. I came out at the age of 15. No, I don't fancy you just because you're male. I have standards.

4. People who, when talking about weight loss, lecture you about how the only way to get long lasting, sustainable weight loss is through exercise and a healthy diet.

Everybody knows that. No, really, everybody does. Even the people who say "omg I need 2 lose a stone in a wk...wat do I do? I'm gna die if i dont". Yep, even them. They want a quick fix, and yes it is achievable. Just shut up about the healthy diet thing, because I saw you chomping on that big mac last Tuesday. Yes I did. And you thought nobody was looking - the shame.

That is all for now. I feel much better, haha.

Dear Everyone (again),

Sorry for not posting anything new (or interesting) in the last few weeks, but something really weird happened to me. Like, really weird. Like...Lindsay-Lohan-deciding-not-to-drink-drive kind of weird...

I got a life. An actual shiny, sparkly, action-packed, fun-filled life. I'm sure it won't last long, though, so don't fret. I'll be back with my sarcastic analysis of stupid people very soon. However, for now, I'll just let you know what's happening to me at the moment. Read on if you wish...

Usually I just sit at home on my blog, pressing refresh every five seconds to see if anyone has commented on my computer and do nothing. This, as I'm sure you'll agree, is not the best way to have fun. Unless you're seriously into anime or porn, or both. See, I could live without Aniporn. Life, however, I need. Every now and again, anyway.

So I did it. I ventured out into the daylight and I found that I didn't melt. I didn't turn to dust. I actually liked it. I even tanned a little! I spent the day with some friends who came down from Wales. I had a drink with an online friend for the first time, and I went to a foam party at a gay club. How exciting. I need to do this more often!

Okay, I'll snap out of it now. Sarcastic, judgemental Kyle will be back soon. I promise.

Bye!

Kyle

Dear Grannies,

I apologise, sincerely, from the bottom of my heart. Knitting isn't as easy as you make it out to be! I realise that people other than grannies knit, but you're the real heroes here.

What brought me to take up knitting, you ask? I decided that creative energy should be used in the best way possible. I'm around the house a lot more nowadays, so it was time for me to have a new hobby (that I could do sitting down and at my own lazy pace)!

I bought some yarn and needles this week and gave it a try. I taught myself from YouTube videos and advice from keen knitters on internet forums. There seemed to be a wealth of knowledge online about it, so why not give it a go?

I was given a pattern for beginners - sleeveless gloves. No problem, right? Aha. Ahahaha. If only I knew, Granny, if only I knew.

Problem. Big problem:



What the heck?! Knitting is supposed to be easy! People do it without looking, and I couldn't even do it at a few stitches per minute. I realised that without a real-life knitting expert to consult, I was going to have a hard time learning anything more than the very basics. I didn't know how to fix mistakes, so I just had to start all over again every time I messed up. That wasn't good, that wasn't good at all. I was a fabric failure. A nuisance novice knitter nutter.

However, I wasn't about to give up that easily! I decided that the gloves were obviously a project for someone who'd been knitting for longer than...well, longer than a day. All I knew was how to cast on, and then knit. No fancy things for me. Just pure, raw knitting. So, obviously, I decided to knit a scarf. It's May now, so with any luck it would be finished in time for winter.

So I continued, I persevered. I learned how to tink - taking back stitches when you make a mistake (it's "knit" spelt backwards. *chortle* how clever!). To my surprise, I got better. It looks quite good, apart from a few little mistakes that my ten year old sister (the recipient of said scarf) hopefully won't pick up on:



It felt so good to get it right! I'd recommend knitting to anyone who doesn't mind investing time to make something from scratch. Such a great way to keep your style individual, and keep yourself busy. Now I feel ready to take on the world! Bring on various crazy stitches! Bring on the insane patterns, bring on fancy embellishments and BRING ON THE DAMN SLEEVELESS GLOVES!

Yours (with aching fingers),

The guy who will, eventually, make knitting even more cool

Dear Everyone,

I finally managed to set the blog up on a custom domain (styleofkyle.com), so now I have my own site. I feel all tech-savvy now. Watch out, Pentagon, I'm coming for you.

Anyway, thanks for all the feedback I've been getting! If you have any ideas for letters I could post here, let me know by sending an email to kyle@styleofkyle.com. I'm always up for doing some research before posting, too!

Also, I've added subscription options to the page, if you want to keep up with the blog.

Take care, and have a great weekend!

Kyle xxx

Dear Guy on the mini-bike,

I'm sure you're wondering why I looked at you funny when you rode past on your mini-bike (minicycle?) this afternoon as I walked up the street. It bugged you the whole way home, didn't it? Yes, it did. I'll explain myself here, so you can sleep tonight...

I was staring at you wondering why people ride micro-bikes (seriously, if anyone knows the actual name of these, let me know). Do you have a mini-shed to keep it in? Did you borrow it from your child or a vertically challenged friend? Are you having a mid-life crisis?

Why would you ride this?



As it was late and you were wearing informal attire, I will assume you weren't working. Even if you were, a normal bike doesn't really take up much room, and you could even invest in a bike lock and keep it outside. Shocking, I know, these new inventions. It's hard to keep up with the times.

I honestly hope you read this, and reply. Perhaps you're reading this now on your itsy-bitsy computer, in your teeny-tiny room. Maybe you're squinting to make out these words on your 4x4 inch monitor, wishing you'd got the normal full-sized version like everybody else.

Next time you catch me staring, don't mind me. I'll just be wondering things about you that I shouldn't be, because I have nothing better to do with my time than analyse your lifestyle and make sweeping judgements about those who use undersized transportation.

...or perhaps I'll just be thinking you look silly.

Ride safely,

The guy walking up the street

Dear Conscience,

I'm sorry, okay? I know I'm newly unemployed, but surely that's even more reason to indulge in a little retail therapy? Okay, fine, £10 on blue eyeliner I may never use again may have been a little too much, but I needed it to complete my fancy dress outfit:

(Click the thumbnail!)



I know, right?! It's so cute. That's why I also had to buy the trousers and shoes. Evidently it was necessary to preserve the natural order of things.

If it makes you feel better, I'll make sure the dog collar and the wrist restraints are worn frequently...but I'd rather not elaborate on that just now.

I blame this whole 'guilt' situation on my friends for their high expectations of me. They require me to look absolutely incredible 100% of the time. Damn you, first impressions.

So, technically, I'm really doing it for my friends.

Spending money to make them happy.
To make them smile.
To make the world a better place.

See, I'm a good person, really.

Forever yours,

The (no longer) Guilty Party

P.S. That burger and chips last night doesn't count as naughty because they didn't supply nutritional information when I bought it. I didn't want to ask, because last time they looked at me funny. Maybe they didn't know what calories were.

Dear Old man sat in front of me on the bus,

Who told you you could wash your hands with the pages of the Metro? Really, who? Because you can't. Nope.

It's also not hygienic to blow your nose on the pages either, before offering the tattered remains to me.

"Do you want a newspaper?"

No I do not, old man. No I do not.

Yours in fear of swine flu,

The guy sat behind you on the bus.

Dear Man who looked at me in the street,

I liked your suit! It made you look very handsome.

Thank you for making me smile at the fact we looked back at each other 3 separate times as we walked in opposite directions, even if I did worry for a second that I had something disgusting stuck on my face.

Thank you, mostly, for making me feel truly attractive for the first time in a long while (once I'd checked for the disgusting thing on my face and discovered it didn't exist).

Yours sincerely,

The guy who looked at you in the street